Graham | One Month | My Expectations vs Reality

I know, I know- everyone says that the time flies by, but until you’re in that time you really have no idea just how fast it goes. I am amazed that this tiny little person has been here for 1 month already. While I had an amazingly uneventful pregnancy and delivery that time crawled compared to how fast time is going now that Graham is here. While this month hasn’t been the easiest it has been one of the happiest. To see this little guy grow, change and learn in front of my eyes is a dream.

The beginning of this month was filled with a lot of appointments for the both of us. Graham to make sure he was putting on weight and myself for my c section incision and some breastfeeding help. Happy to say he is gaining what he needs to be and we both have seemed to figure out the whole breastfeeding thing.

Things to remember this month include-
-His so many faces and how expressive he is
-How angry he gets when he doesn’t get to eat fast enough (HAHA!!)
-How he loves to poop in his towel after a bath.
-How he loves to projectile poop during a diaper change.
-How he searches for me when he first wakes up.
-His ear hair.
-The giant two-arm over the head stretch he does immediately following being unswaddled.
-The late nights I didn’t think I’d survive and the quietness of the (very) early mornings I’ve quickly grown to love.
-Watching Jake hold him <3
-How he purses his lips together, usually after nursing.
-His sweet little dream giggles and smiles.
-Diagnosed with a VSD heart murmur ( Dr. says should close on own, not really worried about it!)
-Gained almost 1.5 pounds from birth weight (#2.5 from when we left the hospital) he’s now #9.11

I’m sure I could go on and on.

While I want to keep these monthly blogs about Graham I am so compelled this month to talk about everything else that happened these last 30 days. My expectation vs what actually happened and all the stuff I didn’t even know was a thing up until now.

Expectation for being induced– Go in, take some meds, be able to move around and comfortable, and have a baby in a day or two.
Reality– Be miserable and uncomfortable, none of the medications work, have a c section

Expectation for breastfeeding– Bring baby to boob, baby nurses, might need some help to get a good latch, baby grows, everyone’s happy.
Reality– HOLY SMOKES PEEPS, now I knew that breastfeeding could be difficult at first. I NEVER knew everything that actually went to it. In the hospital, I couldn’t for the life of me get Graham to stay awake long enough to have a decent feeding. Even with extra hands, wipes, arm pumping- nothing would keep him awake. And if they don’t eat, they lose weight. Lose enough weight and it becomes a problem( Graham lost a whole pound in 3 days). Never had more nurses squeezing on my boobs getting colostrum to come out so we could syringe feed it to Graham. AND THEN because of the C-section it took almost a full week for my milk to come in, so pediatrician had me supplement with an ounce of formula after every feed. How exhausting was that whole process when we were home. I would try and nurse him for 15-20 minutes, feed him an ounce of formula, and then pump for 15-20 minutes. EVERY TWO HOURS. By the time I was done pumping and got everything put away I had, oh ya know about 30 minutes of time to get to sleep before we would have to start over again. I could not have done any of this without Jake being home. If Jake hadn’t had 4 weeks of leave I don’t think I would still be breastfeeding, he was so supportive and so helpful.
Then when everything is finally in I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to get him to latch the right way. So MANY visits later to different classes and a specialist that stretched his neck and back (this worked almost instantly to help him latch better) Graham and I have both figured it out.

Expectation for having a newborn at home– Not get much sleep, happiness, and love over this tiny little person, lots of dirty diapers.
Reality– The first two weeks we were probably the hardest two weeks I’ve ever had. I was exhausted ( fall asleep sitting up exhausted), a prisoner to my house, and what felt like just a meal for this sweet little baby. While I think a lot had to do with my milk not coming in and having a hard time figuring it all out, I was not in a good space. I wanted to take care of and feed and hold my baby I was just in a different place.
I would sob every night between 5 and 6 p.m like clockwork. I’m not entirely sure why but I think a lot had to do with the fear and anxiety of the night time coming and knowing I wasn’t going to sleep and he wasn’t going to latch was just crippling.
Because we were feeding every two hours we couldn’t leave the house and I am not that type of person. I am always on the go and have plans, and this was hard. From the push of a friend and a baby that’s actually eating, we ventured out and have continued to almost every day since. This was a huge mood shifter.
Something else that really trigged these feelings was being a prisoner to Graham’s room. For whatever reason, I felt I had to nurse and pump in his room, every two hours, by myself- all day long. I felt isolated and alone and I was starting to resent Graham for it. Once I realized this was causing those feelings I moved everything into the living room and started nursing and pumping out there and I felt like a new person. I wasn’t even missing anything while I was in his room, I just felt like I was in isolation and all alone in all of this.
While I don’t think it was PPD it was definitely the baby blues, almost exactly two weeks from when we brought him home all those feelings went away. We’ve settled into a good rhythm and everything is well. And don’t read this like I’m complaining either, I just don’t think this stuff is talked about enough!

Expectation of Jacob– Help when he can, change diapers, take care of the dogs.
Reality– People, I can’t talk enough about how grateful I get to raise this tiny human with Jake. He was and continues to be amazing and doing things I didn’t even know I needed. Anticipating what we’re going to need and all the little things I didn’t even think about. Constantly checking in on me and making sure I am doing ok, especially those first two weeks, he’d make me laugh during the “crying hour” and hug me when I needed it. He knows when I need a break, sometimes before I do. He is constantly filling up the water pitcher so I have cold water to drink and filling up my giant cup before I know it’s empty. So many tiny little things to keep our lives moving and functioning. I can honestly say I survived those first 4 weeks because of him. If he had to go back to work after a few days or even a week, Graham and I wouldn’t be where we are.

What a month!